Emotional response

I've always been a pretty emotional person - not when it comes to decisions or strategy or anything, but rather in my responses to certain events. As I was on the train this morning, reading about the underlying fundamentals that caused last week's stock market fiasco and the evolution of R&D in the American technology sector (yes, articles from this week's Economist) I realized that I was feeling very emotional.

It's not a negative response by any stretch of the imagination. I think that it is finally hitting me that now that I have had the Essure implanted, I'm really going to be free from having children unless I truly and positively choose to have them. Well, free in three months, anyway. I started feeling a surge of energy, like there was a curtain moved away from a sunny window or something, and I was realizing that now, whatever dreams I might have, I can run after them with abandon.

I don't know why I am having this reaction, and I don't know why I didn't really feel this way before. I am certainly pro-choice, so I never felt shackled by the weight of a potential pregnancy before. I guess its the pro-activeness of this particular decision - to permanently prevent pregnancy - that really lit a spark under me.

It's so liberating, so inspiring, so emotional. I want to run to all corners of the earth and receive whatever it has to give. I feel like Maria von Trapp spinning herself dizzy on the tops of the Alps.

I was worried that I would feel sadness or regret, thinking that I've now excluded a possible experience from my life or, since I know myself to be an emotional person, the fact that I now really won't have children would suddenly make me want to have them (some kind of psychological wanting what you can't have type thing). I feel none of that. I feel wonderfully free, and most importantly, I feel utterly devoted to myself. That sounds so self-centered, but it's true. I feel like I can seek and discover whatever I want, unfettered.

It's truly a wonderful feeling.