Cars: Road Rage as Metro: ?

There is a great article in the Post this morning about changes that Metro is going to make to (essentially) teach people how to ride the subway without being complete assholes. Yesterday I had to go to a meeting downtown (which of course necessitated me taking Metro). I got out at Metro Center (rather I tried to), and this idiot woman had parked her gigantic baby stroller with shopping and diaper bags RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE DOOR, while the more intelligent, thoughtful, considerate, or otherwise normally socialized people waited alongside the railcar. I do admit purposefully bumping into people who are being rude and obstructing traffic flow in and out of Metro. Don’t tell anyone, but once I bumped a religious guy (can’t remember whether it was a priest or a rabbi) at Capital South station who was blocking the way down the escalator (stand right, pass left people).

While I applaud Metro for their effort in trying to make their system more efficient (rather than ripping off the people in parking lots, yelling at or arresting teenagers for eating candy bars in the station, making people pay $5 for damn Smartcards and then only putting one or two machines in each station that can charge them, you get the picture), I would like to suggest that that the following diatribe be given to all riders as soon as they enter the station:

A few rules for riding the Metro without pissing everyone else off

1. Shut the f%&k up! Whether it is on your cell phone, or talking to the person next to you, no one cares what your political views are, who you had lunch with yesterday, or worse yet, what you should bring home for dinner. If you chat, please do so in a voice that allows the rest of us to easily ignore you.

2. Get the f&%k out of the way! Standing in front of the door, forcing people to move around you to get in/out of the, just so you can be the first out when it’s your stop is not only rude and inconsiderate, it’s f&%king annoying. If I almost can’t get on a Red Line train to Shady Grove on a Friday evening when it’s only running every 15 minutes because you were standing in the doorway, only allowing one person at a time to get in the door rather than two, I might just step on your foot. Hard. With my heel. So take your self-centered a$$ and move to the center of the train.

3. Learn how to use the f&%king farecards! There is nothing more frustrating than seeing your train coming into the station and getting stuck behind some moron who can’t figure out that the paper farecards go in with the arrow facing up and point toward the slot. It’s not rocket science, people. The only thing more frustrating is when there are a group of 20 teenagers in the big city for a class trip, all of whom are clogging the entrance gates trying to figure out how to use their cards. If you don’t know how to use the card – get the f&%k out of the way (see rule 2 – it applies here too) and let those of us who do know how to use them pass.

4. Get the f&%k out of the way. While this is similar to Rule 2 – this particular rule really applies to people on the escalator who stand all over it (not just on the left – but in the middle with their giant suitcase blocking the way or their giant backpack/purse blocking most of the way). Giant suitcase people – use the f&%king elevators. Chatty people – stand single file and chat, not in a giant glob that doesn’t let anyone else pass you. Protestors, tour groups, people from Kansas and Oklahoma on your first trip to the big city – look around and be aware for Pete’s sake. The Metro is not a tourist attraction, and even though you don’t have them at home, that is no excuse for being inconsiderate of others.

Look – that’s it. Four simple rules that will make everyone using Metro happier. Half the number of rules than are needed for dating that guy’s teenage daughter.